April 9, 2018

the time is 11:52 in the AM April 9th, 2018. I don’t know much in this world, I only know about myself and what i see. I only know what i feel and trying to understand what I feel and why I feel things is my primary concern in life. I feel compelled to better myself through my understanding of these things and the best way I know how to do this is through acquisition of knowledge and through self reflection. That is what I am attempting to do with this writing. In the past I have tried to bury my negative impression of the things around me and my understanding of the world through the use of drugs and alcohol. It worked. But I have recently realized that the reflections and revelations I have uncovered benefitted only myself. And even those benefits were often misunderstood and misguided. The world can be a better place and often others (including myself certainly) only come to understanding how things work by having ideas introduced by others or from others. Its very difficult to come to realizations on your own and through the use of media… almost always created by others, can we come to know ourselves and come to realize the truth about our world and the world around us. And eventually we all have to stop being selfish and give back our knowledge to others by use of media. This is my intent. By spilling out my ideas an hour a day I can develop good habits, while also reflecting and discovering ideas that would otherwise be lost to the sands of time. Even though all of these ideas… mine and others will eventually succumb to such fate, progress it seems, can be a good thing. But how do you define progress? The betterment of mankind? the acquisition of knowledge? The efficient use of resources? The betterment of others? The development of a social system which levels the playing feel for the benefit of the society as a whole? Probably none of these really qualifies as progress. Nature it seems has a way of taking back energy and leaving emptiness in its place. Maybe progress is simply understanding our true place in the universe and nothing more. The exploitation of knowledge is certainly one way to hide our existence through misunderstanding and give “reason” to our actions, but the trade offs don’t seem to have been realized as of yet. Perhaps its simply not possible. Is it possible to better ourselves without harming others ? I honestly can’t think of a single example. 

A jet plane is flying overhead… military no doubt. Progress hard at work! How blind we are! 

Its hard not to sink into negativity the longer and harder one thinks about existential questions of morality and truth. Perhaps its a biological response, a conditioning that we can’t escape. Perhaps its just the nature of being, the nature of realizing what “truth” really is. I have lived my entire life as an american white male. I try hard to keep that bias in mind every time I act, or speak, or judge. But it is without a doubt that it still impacts my every action, my every word, my every judgement. Is that a fault? Can that be understood fully? Can that be eliminated? But more importantly, should it? Why do we value the lives of others so highly? What is the “real” value of life? How would anyone go about making that determination and why would it even matter? 

Is there benefit in knowing how to eliminate bias, or simply in acknowledging it? Being able to spot the why and understanding its origin, is there any reason to exploit it for some sort of idea of utopian values as we determine them to be? Is there a right and wrong? or is this a concept that cannot be understood without perspective? The way I view the current state of the world and the values it holds makes me believe that there are only two competing views of what we consider to be the “right” thing. There is the right of the individual. and there is the collective right. both are based on the notion that there is a idealistic concept of how things should be done. There is also a very dramatic difference between how the two viewpoints value life. This is the idea I struggle with more than anything. this seems to be the place I inevitably end up with when i sit awake at night staring at the ceiling. I cannot seem to wrap my head around any viable answer to this question or the questions that are implied from it. 

But perhaps it is because I am looking at the question the “wrong” way. Maybe the answer lies in understanding what is the actual importance of the question, if any. Just something else to keep me up at night, thanks ben.

Im stuck. So instead of sitting here thinking about a question I may never answer I will ty a different path. I may jump around quite a bit in these rantings but since I assume that no one will ever read any of these words I guess i don’t need to explain why. My name is Ben. I am a middle aged human being sitting in a garage in suburbia usa. I am sitting in a garage because this is the only room in the house i can smoke cigarettes in while being protected from the elements of nature which would make me uncomfortable. Perhaps that is the only thing we seek in life. Maybe it’s the only reason we do anything… to feel comfort. We take comfort in the belief that we are leaving behind a legacy with our children so that we find believe that our life was not a complete waste of time and effort. We take comfort in the belief that having a spouse makes us a person worthy of sharing our miserable lives with. We take comfort in having control of others through money or persuasion in the belief that these things are what makes us happy or that it is these things that will benefit others. We take comfort in writing down our words and placing them on the internet in the belief that we are somehow sharing insight with the world through our words. Maybe all of these are true…. but maybe its just our way of trying to come in from the cold. The time is 12:38.