Jew Spotting

I'm not jewish, but I do know some simple truths about the jews:

  • They are smarter than other people.
  • They make THE best professionals. Lawyers, accountants, professors, engineers, and doctors; Jews are far superior in these areas then non-jews.
  • Other than some distinctive noses and aptly named hairstyles, they can typically be identified by their name.

There is a sort of formula I have developed when attempting to determine whether someone is a jew or not. This can be particularly helpful when you are attempting to find a qualified professional amongst a database when only names are given.

Jewish names typically fall into one of 5 groups. 

  1. Precious metals and gems. Any last name that is directly related to, or some variation of, a precious metal or gem is likely jewish. ex. Gold, Silverman, Diamond, etc.
  2. the ei's. Remember the old adage from your grade school spelling lesson: "i before e, except after c"? Any name where that rule is broken, is likely jewish. ex. Stein, Streisand, etc..
  3. Anything from the old testament. Whether first or last, names like Ari, Abraham, ect. are a solid bet.
  4. Last name also a first name. Last names that are also common first names are almost always jewish. For example, last names like David, Arnold, Jacob, etc.
  5. Any last name that contains 'baum', 'berg'/'burg', 'man', 'sch', or a 'z' anywhere in them. 

*As a side note, I would like to point out that the last name 'Miller' should be viewed with extra caution as it is widely popular with both jews and gentiles.

Thats it, go forth and select your next in-network primary care physician with confidence.