the trash tip

When it comes to gratuity etiquette in America, custom prevails over merit... that is stupid, we need to change the way we tip. I’m not suggesting you stiff a waiter for bad service (never ever do that), but why tip a cashier every time they shove some bean flavored hot water in your face and not those people who actually deserve it. “Like Who?” you are asking impatiently. Well, when you settle down I’ll tell you. 

Tip the Trash Guy. The waste removal technicians of America have been neglected far too long. These heros of society should be tipped on a regular basis. I can’t understand giving someone a Lincoln note each time he brings me a greasy cardboard box and not tipping the guy who drives to my house, collects the gross I shat out this week and hauls it off to trashland, all while never attempting eye contact. So follow these simple guidelines and you will be happily ever after.

Tip amount: The amount of the trash tip is determined by using the following nerd-speak which uses math so you know it’s legit:

{(n-3)3}+{3(w-1)}=t

n - is the number of bins left out to be collected that week. 
w- is equal to number of weeks elapsed since previous tip.
t - is the tip amount.

And no, you do not get to roll over any tip, if you overtip because you don’t have any singles it's your fault for being a poor planner and you need to get your life together before your mother finds out. 

When you tip your trash guy you start to see the added value immediately. We are pigs (with a pig) and because we are white males we have too much of everything and only feigned concern for the "nature" thing we regurgitate far more waste than the average household. Our trash man, let's call him Jose (because I play the odds), he takes everything; tree limbs, bags of used oil, boxes of shit, jose leaves nothing behind and even puts the cans back against the house in an orderly fashion as if to say, “please señior, may i have another?”

“But ben, my ego requires it be sufficiently stroked for this selfless unprovoked godlike gesture but I live in a neighborhood that is probably not as nice as yours, how do I know my good deed won't fall into the wrong brown hands?” I understand your concerns and will address them. Also, please raise your hand next time you have a question. 

Logistics is key to this tip transfer. Under normal circumstances the simple three step system below will prove effective:

1. Find envelope
2. Put money in envelope. 
3. Haphazardly affix envelope to waste receptacle. 

However, If you underperformed in life and consequently live in an area where one or more poor persons frequent consider taping this envelope to the inside of the receptacle lid; this method exploits the fact that the poor are often too lazy to look underneath anything for items like respect, jobs or money. Either way make sure to label this envelope with an appropriate greeting, I use: “Tu my favorite friday mexican.”( I use the tu form because we are cool like that). And if you have zero concern for efficient time management you can also get clever with your tip presentation like I do. This week I wrote on the side of 3 trash cans the words “Pato" "Pato" "Ganso“ as seen in the photo below.

pato pato ganso

Lets watch what happens shall we?! The following is a time lapse video of footage documenting the trash removal process. 

As you see, jose seems to stop half way through the process and retrieve writing materials from his truck and judging from by his response, I think he got the reference.